Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Pattern

Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.